Finding Myself Again

If 2019 me travelled back in time to tell 2018 me that I would be the happy and cheerful person I once used to be, I wouldn't believe myself. It's been a long process, but let's rewind to where it all began.

I thought going away to Michigan State was going to be the best decision I had ever made. I told myself this is going to be awesome! No parents, complete freedom, all on my own. I can do this. And I tried. When I got to school, I was all by myself. My sister lived an hour away, my closest friend was a 15 minute bus ride across campus and my roommate decided against coming to college, so I was in a dorm room by myself. The first month was incredible, I had a new job at a bookstore, I had a group of 15+ friends (waaaay more than I had ever had in high school.) and I had even joined a sorority (surprise!). Eventually I was forced to find a roommate, and ironically a girl in my sorority needed one too. 3 months into the semester, she finally moved in and all was great. We got along well and our schedules worked perfectly. I truly thought my picture perfect college experience was coming true.

But soon I started failing. I stopped going to class, I stopped studying for exams, and eventually I had just given up on school. At dinner one night, a lot of bickering between myself and a new friend I had made was going on. The words that I soon would replay in my head for the next 6 months came out of their mouth, "Well, maybe college just isn't for you." and I thought to myself was this true? I truly felt like I didn't fit in with the friends I had made, and stopped associating with them for a while. I vividly remember having a conversation with two of them, explaining that I didn't want to return next semester. They convinced me to come back after Christmas break, and I did.

Spring semester was much better academic wise than fall semester was. But mentally and emotionally, it was not. To say that I simply just didn't know who I was, is an understatement. The things I had once found joy in - going to dinner with friends, binge watching Netflix, or even doing my makeup in the morning - had soon become exhausting. I was a constant cycle of reminding myself that tomorrow will be a better day. But was it really? I felt like I was never going to get out of the rut I was in. I somehow found the strength to go to class (almost) everyday, and try harder in my classes. But it still wasn't good enough. I knew that once I moved out of my dorm, I would never come back to that campus ever again.

Then I moved back home, and everything changed. I told my parents at dinner one night through tears that I was going to stay home and go to the closest community college until I felt ready to return to MSU. I had returned to my former job that I loved so much, and I was back in my routine. I had finally fallen back into my comfort zone. The people that I once thought I would just see as my "coworkers", had started to become some of my best friends. I started school in August, and changed my major to Elementary Education. I was no longer struggling to find the motivation to get up in the morning to go to class or work.

Once the new year rolled around, and I began my new classes, I felt like I was finally succeeding in school and that I was going to reach my goal in life. After a lot of thought and consideration, this is when I decided that I was going to transfer to the closest university next school year. I knew I would have my best friends and family by my side as I continued out my education at home.

As the weeks go on, I can see the improvements in my well-being, and mood. The girl who did not have the motivation to even eat a meal, is no longer here. I enjoy waking up every morning, knowing I have a new day to create even better memories for myself. I have found myself and I'm finally happy again.

- Em